Grateful

It's not all sad and scary and negative though. I don't think I have ever been as grateful of anything as I was when I saw Victoria for the first time. It probably sounds bad because I have Dayne, but when I gave birth to him I don't think I really and truly knew what it was to be grateful. I often said that everything in my life shifted when Dayne was born, he became the center of my world and I realized what happiness truly was. When I had Alexandra, everything shifted again and I TRULY understand what loss and pain was. Every sad or painful thing in my life paled in comparison. When Victoria was born, everything shifted again, everything in my world clicked into place and it all became complete and an amazing feeling came over me. I was not just grateful, but I felt an incredible peace.
My family is not just complete because of Victoria and Dayne, but because of Alexandra as well. They all made a different impact on me and I wouldn't be the same without having met any one of them.
When my grandma met Victoria for the first time she said, "She's real. She's really real." I laughed about it, but it captured what we were all feeling on the inside...awe.
I often find myself staring at Victoria thinking to myself how amazing this is, to have her, to be able to watch her grow, to see what kind of person she is. Everything she does is new and exciting, Steve, Dayne and I are always watching her, talking about whatever cute thing she did, or getting excited because she smiled at us.
It's amazing, to have this feeling, it definitely trumps all the negative and scary feelings.

Expectations

Throughout my pregnancy I worried about my own and other people's expectations of this baby. I worried about the shoes other people would set out for her to fill. We didn't get Alexandra so when her sister came along, I worried that there would be some feelings that she should fill all the hopes and dreams that were dashed when we lost Alexandra.
I was especially worried about this for myself. What if I put too much onto this little girl? What if I expected all the things of her that I expected of Alexandra? It just didn't seem fair to me at all.
It's funny how you worry about things while you're pregnant that never come true once the baby is born. I was so grateful to have a living baby to take home, I was concentrating on HER, what she would be like, what she would love. I was happy to have a baby, and I didn't compare or expect anything from her, other than to be her own baby self.
And she's amazing, just for who she is. She would do this high pitched screech when she was first born and would cry, and it was adorable. The nurse at the hospital looked at me like I was insane when I told her it was cute. She commented that I found it cute "for now" but she was wrong. She loved her very first bath, and pretty much every bath since then. Her favorite thing when she was very little was sitting in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with the shower on. She went through a phase after she turned 2 months where she would scream whenever she was in the bathroom while I showered, it was a difficult few weeks, but she got over it and is now mostly content to sit there and soak in the nice steam.
It is an amazing thing, to actually hold this little baby, after everything we've been through, after thinking I would never get to have another baby. Maybe there are bigger expectations of her under the surface, but I can work on that one day at a time. And in the mean time, I will just be grateful for my family and our new addition.

Scary Thoughts

Victoria was so small, she was tiny and fragile and I was afraid of everything involving her. I was afraid to give her a bath, afraid that I might drop her, afraid that I would hurt her somehow. Everything she did scared me, she made weird noises while she slept, I was sure she was having breathing problems, or seizures.
In those first few weeks she wasn't growing how they wanted her to, I was terrified that I had already failed at breastfeeding and she would have to have formula. I don't have an issue with formula, but this felt like a personal failure on my part. Her lack of proper growth also made me fear that something more serious could be wrong with her. I Dr. Googled until I had planted all sorts of crazy ideas in my head.
At night sometimes I would wake up and look at her, waiting for her to wake up (I wasn't prepared for a good sleeper), and I would think that her face looked pale, or grey, she resembled Alexandra and in my sleep deprived state, I would think that she looked like Alexandra in more than just familial resemblance. 
When her growth got on track we had another incident. She was in the bath and began to cry so I took her out and laid her in her bedroom so I could dress her. She screamed as I frantically searched for something for her to wear and dried her off. As I was toweling her dry I noticed that she seemed a bit...blue, around her diaper area. I thought the light was weird and I was seeing things. Then her torso turned blue and I scooped her up and rushed her in to see Steve. "Is she blue!?" I asked him. He squinted, complained about the light and then said, "maybe a little bit." My son replied that she was indeed blue. I dressed her, wrapped in two receiving blankets and put a hat and mitts on her. I held her  close to me to warm her up. She was back to normal after a few minutes, and I knew that she had done that because she was a newborn and she couldn't regulate her body temperature, but still, I sat up at night while I fed her, googling. I did this for 3 days before I brought her to the doctor to have him tell me exactly what I already knew. She was fine, that heart condition I had convinced myself she must have was all in my head, she was just fine.
I had lots of scary thoughts, I thought I might somehow drop her down the stairs, thought I would slip on the ice and drop her, would fall asleep with her and suffocate her. I thought that something would be wrong and I would miss it somehow and then when the inevitable horrible thing happened, it would be all my fault.
Most of the time I felt like I was doing quite well, I was so grateful for my little girl, so happy to have her, but those scary thoughts, they loved to creep in. They still do sometimes. I wonder if they will ever go away? I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I stop knowing and thinking about, how fragile life is...

Labor

On January 11th, around 5:15pm, they started the oxytocin. It was about 15 minutes later when they broke my water. As soon as I was allowed, Steve and I went for a walk around the floor. I felt at peace with whatever was to come, the fear had melted away. Those moments with Steve, while we walked, I will never forget. I was in my socked feet, new socks that I bought just to wear to the hospital. We avoided little puddles on the floor from people's shoes, and I filled my water cup every time we walked by the water machine. Hospital water is extra tasty.
We walked by the Scott Smed room, where we stayed when Alexandra was born. We walked by it several times and we talked about the room and about Alexandra. I felt like she was there with me in those moments, waiting to meet her baby sister. I wondered if she would help, watch over the baby and keep us both safe. I wonder if that's possible...
When the contractions got too close together, I decided the walking was done and I wanted an epidural. When I was pregnant with Alexandra I planned to have a natural birth, but once we lost her I decided that I didn't need to torture myself any more than I already was, so I got the epi. It only worked for a little while with Alexandra, it allowed me physical comfort while I slept for several hours, and then my labor progressed too quickly for it, so I felt it all. This time I went in saying I would get it. I wanted to go through as little stress and pain as possible, for myself and the baby. She had already gone through her entire life so far in the belly of a basket case.
Once I got the epidural things started to happen. I was shocked when I felt like I had to push, I told the nurse and she said that was very possible. Once they checked me they realize I was right, I was ready to deliver my daughter. And once again, the epidural didn't have time to work, and I felt everything...everything by my legs, that is. I was terrified, I remember thinking...I don't actually think I'm ready, I wish I could stop this, I've changed my mind about the induction.
It was fast, I don't know how long I pushed for, but baby Victoria Rose was born at 8:53PM (less than 4 hours after they induced me). When I heard her cry I completely broke down. She was real, she was alive, and she was in my arms. My little girl, Dayne and Alexandra's little sister, Steve's youngest daughter...here she was, some kind of miracle. And right after she was born the doctor looked at me and said, "When I booked you to come in today, I did not think this was how it was going to go."
We were home less than 24 hours later, and our new life, with our new little family member began...

 

January 11th

I guess I will get to it. Beyond the emotional roller coaster that was pregnancy, I dealt with a lot of feelings and anxiety regarding the birth of my baby. I would deliver this baby in the same hospital that I had delivered all of my children, the same place that Alexandra was stillborn. I WANTED to deliver there, and I had to because it was the only place my prenatal clinic delivered. It was one part of the fear of delivery. Would it be too hard for me to go there, to be there delivering another child after losing Alexandra.
After much careful consideration of my mental health and the health of the baby, I made the choice to be induced at 37 weeks, rather than go through the trauma of going beyond the time we lost Alexandra. So, after an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok, the date was set and it would be January 11th.
I prepared the house, cleaned, set everything up and packed bags for myself, the baby, and Dayne. I was reluctant, waiting for the bottom to fall out, waiting for the horrible thing to happen. As the days led up to my induction, the terrible thing didn't happen. And deep within myself, I felt a tiny bit of hope, mixed in with the fear that the bad thing might happen while I was at the hospital, when I delivered, or shortly after birth.
On January 11th we got Dayne off to school and waited for the hospital to call. I was up at 5am, I couldn't sleep, so I was up, dressed, and completely ready and waiting. They didn't call until after 11am, and we didn't end up getting in until after 3pm. They thought that I would just be getting prepped for induction. Something to do with a balloon to soften my cervix, the whole thing freaked me out a bit! But, when I got in there and they checked, they decided that they could just break my water and induce me right away. I had no idea what I was in for!

It's a Girl!

People begin to talk about the sex of the baby from the moment they find out they're pregnant. Friends and family make bets, take guesses and otherwise get super excited to find out what kind of future they are picturing, one with a girl or one with a boy.
This was something that I struggled with. More of the  complex feelings after a loss. I had always wanted a little girl...a living girl. When we found out that Alexandra was a girl I was elated, I was over the moon, but slightly skeptical, I thought I was about to get everything I ever wanted and wondered if it could be true. I thought it was too good to be true, I thought the baby would probably end up being a boy and we would find out at birth. I didn't think it was too good to be true because the baby, my daughter, would die. People often use the phrase "A smack in the face" something is a smack in the face when it's a shock, when it's humiliating and unexpected. My daughter being yanked away from me, when I was so close to meeting her, alive, was kind if like that...only worse, so much worse.
When we decided to consider trying again, I worried that I might be disappointed if I became pregnant with a boy. I felt that my chance to have a living daughter died when Alexandra died, but I thought that I might be ungrateful and hurt if I ended up pregnant with a boy. When the pregnancy became a reality, and the idea that it might stick set in, I started thinking a lot about what would happen when I found out the sex of the baby. I felt that, if the baby was a boy, I wouldn't have to worry as much about another stillbirth, because a boy would be something realistic, something I already have. But I still longed for a daughter. If the baby WAS a girl, the pregnancy would be that much more difficult, the thought of losing her more real, it had already happened, and surely I would never get my living daughter.
On the day I had my ultrasound and found out the sex of the baby I was nervous. I was feeling guilty too. How could I be worrying about the sex of the baby when so many other things could be wrong? And then those things were front and center and I was nervous about finding out the sex and terrified that I would find out that the sex didn't really matter because the baby had died. Or, possibly worse, there was something wrong that was not compatible with life and I would have to make a decision regarding that.
Most moms are excited for that anatomy scan. I was a wreck.
I laid there, nervous, scared, running through everything in my head, preparing myself for anything. When they gave me the news that everything looked good, I began to prepare myself to hear that I was having a boy. I thought that was the next thing they would say, and I worried that if I wasn't happy immediately, or comfortable with the idea, that I would be terrible person.
I think I prepared myself for everything but what I heard...
"It's a Girl!"
And I looked at Steve and had a complete breakdown. Traumatizing everyone in the room, I'm sure. The ultrasound technician in training that told me the news was surprised. She didn't seem to know what to do so she just asked if I already had a daughter. I said, "I have a daughter, but she died." and I think I heard a very quiet, "oh" and then nothing else.
I had prepared myself for a boy, was expecting a boy, and I got the little girl I had secretly always wanted. Now I had to hope that she would make it into this world alive, so I could meet her.

Guilt

Being pregnant after you've had a loss comes with an abundance of complex emotions. Guilt was a huge one for me. I felt guilty about virtually everything.
I felt guilty whenever I would have any feeling other than gratefulness that I was pregnant and it was going well. I lost the luxury of having pregnancy complaints, I believed that if I complained out loud people would think I wasn't truly appreciating that gift. I felt that if complained to myself, something bad would happen to punish me for not being grateful. It's ridiculous, I know, but I WAS lucky to be pregnant, I WAS lucky to have it going so well, and rather than spend my time complaining about my sore back, morning sickness, or how tired I was, something inside of me told me that I needed to spend that time being grateful and happy for every pregnancy pain.
I felt guilt for being excited. I felt somewhere inside myself that being excited for this baby took something away from Alexandra. What it took away, I still don't know, but I believe it's tied into the fact that a lot of people seem to think that once you have another child after a loss, your loss doesn't matter any more. I have not moved on from my beautiful angel Alexandra, I have moved forward WITH her, but people feel that if you are pregnant again, you must not hurt anymore, and it's ok to forget...it's not.
I felt guilt for being pregnant around women who had lost a baby and struggled with getting pregnant again. The guilt was there when I was around women who had recently lost a baby. I didn't want them to think I was rubbing it in their face, I couldn't hide the belly, but I know from experience that it is a cruel reminder of what should have been but isn't.
My guilt was greatly wrapped up in my fear and anxiety, like a ball of nerves that could cause blinding pain at any minute. 
Guilt doesn't stop when the baby arrives either, it carries over and you have new things to feel guilty about...but we will talk about that later.