Being pregnant after you've had a loss comes with an abundance of complex emotions. Guilt was a huge one for me. I felt guilty about virtually everything.
I felt guilty whenever I would have any feeling other than gratefulness that I was pregnant and it was going well. I lost the luxury of having pregnancy complaints, I believed that if I complained out loud people would think I wasn't truly appreciating that gift. I felt that if complained to myself, something bad would happen to punish me for not being grateful. It's ridiculous, I know, but I WAS lucky to be pregnant, I WAS lucky to have it going so well, and rather than spend my time complaining about my sore back, morning sickness, or how tired I was, something inside of me told me that I needed to spend that time being grateful and happy for every pregnancy pain.
I felt guilt for being excited. I felt somewhere inside myself that being excited for this baby took something away from Alexandra. What it took away, I still don't know, but I believe it's tied into the fact that a lot of people seem to think that once you have another child after a loss, your loss doesn't matter any more. I have not moved on from my beautiful angel Alexandra, I have moved forward WITH her, but people feel that if you are pregnant again, you must not hurt anymore, and it's ok to forget...it's not.
I felt guilt for being pregnant around women who had lost a baby and struggled with getting pregnant again. The guilt was there when I was around women who had recently lost a baby. I didn't want them to think I was rubbing it in their face, I couldn't hide the belly, but I know from experience that it is a cruel reminder of what should have been but isn't.
My guilt was greatly wrapped up in my fear and anxiety, like a ball of nerves that could cause blinding pain at any minute.
Guilt doesn't stop when the baby arrives either, it carries over and you have new things to feel guilty about...but we will talk about that later.
I felt guilty whenever I would have any feeling other than gratefulness that I was pregnant and it was going well. I lost the luxury of having pregnancy complaints, I believed that if I complained out loud people would think I wasn't truly appreciating that gift. I felt that if complained to myself, something bad would happen to punish me for not being grateful. It's ridiculous, I know, but I WAS lucky to be pregnant, I WAS lucky to have it going so well, and rather than spend my time complaining about my sore back, morning sickness, or how tired I was, something inside of me told me that I needed to spend that time being grateful and happy for every pregnancy pain.
I felt guilt for being excited. I felt somewhere inside myself that being excited for this baby took something away from Alexandra. What it took away, I still don't know, but I believe it's tied into the fact that a lot of people seem to think that once you have another child after a loss, your loss doesn't matter any more. I have not moved on from my beautiful angel Alexandra, I have moved forward WITH her, but people feel that if you are pregnant again, you must not hurt anymore, and it's ok to forget...it's not.
I felt guilt for being pregnant around women who had lost a baby and struggled with getting pregnant again. The guilt was there when I was around women who had recently lost a baby. I didn't want them to think I was rubbing it in their face, I couldn't hide the belly, but I know from experience that it is a cruel reminder of what should have been but isn't.
My guilt was greatly wrapped up in my fear and anxiety, like a ball of nerves that could cause blinding pain at any minute.
Guilt doesn't stop when the baby arrives either, it carries over and you have new things to feel guilty about...but we will talk about that later.
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