People begin to talk about the sex of the baby from the moment they find out they're pregnant. Friends and family make bets, take guesses and otherwise get super excited to find out what kind of future they are picturing, one with a girl or one with a boy.
This was something that I struggled with. More of the complex feelings after a loss. I had always wanted a little girl...a living girl. When we found out that Alexandra was a girl I was elated, I was over the moon, but slightly skeptical, I thought I was about to get everything I ever wanted and wondered if it could be true. I thought it was too good to be true, I thought the baby would probably end up being a boy and we would find out at birth. I didn't think it was too good to be true because the baby, my daughter, would die. People often use the phrase "A smack in the face" something is a smack in the face when it's a shock, when it's humiliating and unexpected. My daughter being yanked away from me, when I was so close to meeting her, alive, was kind if like that...only worse, so much worse.
When we decided to consider trying again, I worried that I might be disappointed if I became pregnant with a boy. I felt that my chance to have a living daughter died when Alexandra died, but I thought that I might be ungrateful and hurt if I ended up pregnant with a boy. When the pregnancy became a reality, and the idea that it might stick set in, I started thinking a lot about what would happen when I found out the sex of the baby. I felt that, if the baby was a boy, I wouldn't have to worry as much about another stillbirth, because a boy would be something realistic, something I already have. But I still longed for a daughter. If the baby WAS a girl, the pregnancy would be that much more difficult, the thought of losing her more real, it had already happened, and surely I would never get my living daughter.
On the day I had my ultrasound and found out the sex of the baby I was nervous. I was feeling guilty too. How could I be worrying about the sex of the baby when so many other things could be wrong? And then those things were front and center and I was nervous about finding out the sex and terrified that I would find out that the sex didn't really matter because the baby had died. Or, possibly worse, there was something wrong that was not compatible with life and I would have to make a decision regarding that.
Most moms are excited for that anatomy scan. I was a wreck.
I laid there, nervous, scared, running through everything in my head, preparing myself for anything. When they gave me the news that everything looked good, I began to prepare myself to hear that I was having a boy. I thought that was the next thing they would say, and I worried that if I wasn't happy immediately, or comfortable with the idea, that I would be terrible person.
I think I prepared myself for everything but what I heard...
"It's a Girl!"
And I looked at Steve and had a complete breakdown. Traumatizing everyone in the room, I'm sure. The ultrasound technician in training that told me the news was surprised. She didn't seem to know what to do so she just asked if I already had a daughter. I said, "I have a daughter, but she died." and I think I heard a very quiet, "oh" and then nothing else.
I had prepared myself for a boy, was expecting a boy, and I got the little girl I had secretly always wanted. Now I had to hope that she would make it into this world alive, so I could meet her.
This was something that I struggled with. More of the complex feelings after a loss. I had always wanted a little girl...a living girl. When we found out that Alexandra was a girl I was elated, I was over the moon, but slightly skeptical, I thought I was about to get everything I ever wanted and wondered if it could be true. I thought it was too good to be true, I thought the baby would probably end up being a boy and we would find out at birth. I didn't think it was too good to be true because the baby, my daughter, would die. People often use the phrase "A smack in the face" something is a smack in the face when it's a shock, when it's humiliating and unexpected. My daughter being yanked away from me, when I was so close to meeting her, alive, was kind if like that...only worse, so much worse.
When we decided to consider trying again, I worried that I might be disappointed if I became pregnant with a boy. I felt that my chance to have a living daughter died when Alexandra died, but I thought that I might be ungrateful and hurt if I ended up pregnant with a boy. When the pregnancy became a reality, and the idea that it might stick set in, I started thinking a lot about what would happen when I found out the sex of the baby. I felt that, if the baby was a boy, I wouldn't have to worry as much about another stillbirth, because a boy would be something realistic, something I already have. But I still longed for a daughter. If the baby WAS a girl, the pregnancy would be that much more difficult, the thought of losing her more real, it had already happened, and surely I would never get my living daughter.
On the day I had my ultrasound and found out the sex of the baby I was nervous. I was feeling guilty too. How could I be worrying about the sex of the baby when so many other things could be wrong? And then those things were front and center and I was nervous about finding out the sex and terrified that I would find out that the sex didn't really matter because the baby had died. Or, possibly worse, there was something wrong that was not compatible with life and I would have to make a decision regarding that.
Most moms are excited for that anatomy scan. I was a wreck.
I laid there, nervous, scared, running through everything in my head, preparing myself for anything. When they gave me the news that everything looked good, I began to prepare myself to hear that I was having a boy. I thought that was the next thing they would say, and I worried that if I wasn't happy immediately, or comfortable with the idea, that I would be terrible person.
I think I prepared myself for everything but what I heard...
"It's a Girl!"
And I looked at Steve and had a complete breakdown. Traumatizing everyone in the room, I'm sure. The ultrasound technician in training that told me the news was surprised. She didn't seem to know what to do so she just asked if I already had a daughter. I said, "I have a daughter, but she died." and I think I heard a very quiet, "oh" and then nothing else.
I had prepared myself for a boy, was expecting a boy, and I got the little girl I had secretly always wanted. Now I had to hope that she would make it into this world alive, so I could meet her.
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