Expectations

Throughout my pregnancy I worried about my own and other people's expectations of this baby. I worried about the shoes other people would set out for her to fill. We didn't get Alexandra so when her sister came along, I worried that there would be some feelings that she should fill all the hopes and dreams that were dashed when we lost Alexandra.
I was especially worried about this for myself. What if I put too much onto this little girl? What if I expected all the things of her that I expected of Alexandra? It just didn't seem fair to me at all.
It's funny how you worry about things while you're pregnant that never come true once the baby is born. I was so grateful to have a living baby to take home, I was concentrating on HER, what she would be like, what she would love. I was happy to have a baby, and I didn't compare or expect anything from her, other than to be her own baby self.
And she's amazing, just for who she is. She would do this high pitched screech when she was first born and would cry, and it was adorable. The nurse at the hospital looked at me like I was insane when I told her it was cute. She commented that I found it cute "for now" but she was wrong. She loved her very first bath, and pretty much every bath since then. Her favorite thing when she was very little was sitting in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with the shower on. She went through a phase after she turned 2 months where she would scream whenever she was in the bathroom while I showered, it was a difficult few weeks, but she got over it and is now mostly content to sit there and soak in the nice steam.
It is an amazing thing, to actually hold this little baby, after everything we've been through, after thinking I would never get to have another baby. Maybe there are bigger expectations of her under the surface, but I can work on that one day at a time. And in the mean time, I will just be grateful for my family and our new addition.

Scary Thoughts

Victoria was so small, she was tiny and fragile and I was afraid of everything involving her. I was afraid to give her a bath, afraid that I might drop her, afraid that I would hurt her somehow. Everything she did scared me, she made weird noises while she slept, I was sure she was having breathing problems, or seizures.
In those first few weeks she wasn't growing how they wanted her to, I was terrified that I had already failed at breastfeeding and she would have to have formula. I don't have an issue with formula, but this felt like a personal failure on my part. Her lack of proper growth also made me fear that something more serious could be wrong with her. I Dr. Googled until I had planted all sorts of crazy ideas in my head.
At night sometimes I would wake up and look at her, waiting for her to wake up (I wasn't prepared for a good sleeper), and I would think that her face looked pale, or grey, she resembled Alexandra and in my sleep deprived state, I would think that she looked like Alexandra in more than just familial resemblance. 
When her growth got on track we had another incident. She was in the bath and began to cry so I took her out and laid her in her bedroom so I could dress her. She screamed as I frantically searched for something for her to wear and dried her off. As I was toweling her dry I noticed that she seemed a bit...blue, around her diaper area. I thought the light was weird and I was seeing things. Then her torso turned blue and I scooped her up and rushed her in to see Steve. "Is she blue!?" I asked him. He squinted, complained about the light and then said, "maybe a little bit." My son replied that she was indeed blue. I dressed her, wrapped in two receiving blankets and put a hat and mitts on her. I held her  close to me to warm her up. She was back to normal after a few minutes, and I knew that she had done that because she was a newborn and she couldn't regulate her body temperature, but still, I sat up at night while I fed her, googling. I did this for 3 days before I brought her to the doctor to have him tell me exactly what I already knew. She was fine, that heart condition I had convinced myself she must have was all in my head, she was just fine.
I had lots of scary thoughts, I thought I might somehow drop her down the stairs, thought I would slip on the ice and drop her, would fall asleep with her and suffocate her. I thought that something would be wrong and I would miss it somehow and then when the inevitable horrible thing happened, it would be all my fault.
Most of the time I felt like I was doing quite well, I was so grateful for my little girl, so happy to have her, but those scary thoughts, they loved to creep in. They still do sometimes. I wonder if they will ever go away? I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I stop knowing and thinking about, how fragile life is...

Labor

On January 11th, around 5:15pm, they started the oxytocin. It was about 15 minutes later when they broke my water. As soon as I was allowed, Steve and I went for a walk around the floor. I felt at peace with whatever was to come, the fear had melted away. Those moments with Steve, while we walked, I will never forget. I was in my socked feet, new socks that I bought just to wear to the hospital. We avoided little puddles on the floor from people's shoes, and I filled my water cup every time we walked by the water machine. Hospital water is extra tasty.
We walked by the Scott Smed room, where we stayed when Alexandra was born. We walked by it several times and we talked about the room and about Alexandra. I felt like she was there with me in those moments, waiting to meet her baby sister. I wondered if she would help, watch over the baby and keep us both safe. I wonder if that's possible...
When the contractions got too close together, I decided the walking was done and I wanted an epidural. When I was pregnant with Alexandra I planned to have a natural birth, but once we lost her I decided that I didn't need to torture myself any more than I already was, so I got the epi. It only worked for a little while with Alexandra, it allowed me physical comfort while I slept for several hours, and then my labor progressed too quickly for it, so I felt it all. This time I went in saying I would get it. I wanted to go through as little stress and pain as possible, for myself and the baby. She had already gone through her entire life so far in the belly of a basket case.
Once I got the epidural things started to happen. I was shocked when I felt like I had to push, I told the nurse and she said that was very possible. Once they checked me they realize I was right, I was ready to deliver my daughter. And once again, the epidural didn't have time to work, and I felt everything...everything by my legs, that is. I was terrified, I remember thinking...I don't actually think I'm ready, I wish I could stop this, I've changed my mind about the induction.
It was fast, I don't know how long I pushed for, but baby Victoria Rose was born at 8:53PM (less than 4 hours after they induced me). When I heard her cry I completely broke down. She was real, she was alive, and she was in my arms. My little girl, Dayne and Alexandra's little sister, Steve's youngest daughter...here she was, some kind of miracle. And right after she was born the doctor looked at me and said, "When I booked you to come in today, I did not think this was how it was going to go."
We were home less than 24 hours later, and our new life, with our new little family member began...

 

January 11th

I guess I will get to it. Beyond the emotional roller coaster that was pregnancy, I dealt with a lot of feelings and anxiety regarding the birth of my baby. I would deliver this baby in the same hospital that I had delivered all of my children, the same place that Alexandra was stillborn. I WANTED to deliver there, and I had to because it was the only place my prenatal clinic delivered. It was one part of the fear of delivery. Would it be too hard for me to go there, to be there delivering another child after losing Alexandra.
After much careful consideration of my mental health and the health of the baby, I made the choice to be induced at 37 weeks, rather than go through the trauma of going beyond the time we lost Alexandra. So, after an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok, the date was set and it would be January 11th.
I prepared the house, cleaned, set everything up and packed bags for myself, the baby, and Dayne. I was reluctant, waiting for the bottom to fall out, waiting for the horrible thing to happen. As the days led up to my induction, the terrible thing didn't happen. And deep within myself, I felt a tiny bit of hope, mixed in with the fear that the bad thing might happen while I was at the hospital, when I delivered, or shortly after birth.
On January 11th we got Dayne off to school and waited for the hospital to call. I was up at 5am, I couldn't sleep, so I was up, dressed, and completely ready and waiting. They didn't call until after 11am, and we didn't end up getting in until after 3pm. They thought that I would just be getting prepped for induction. Something to do with a balloon to soften my cervix, the whole thing freaked me out a bit! But, when I got in there and they checked, they decided that they could just break my water and induce me right away. I had no idea what I was in for!