When you have experienced the loss of a child in utero, everything changes. It's like everything has a small cloud over it.
After we lost Alexandra, I experienced a subsequent loss. It was very early, an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in the loss of that tube. It was devastating to go through that after getting excited that I may be having another living child. I was leery at first, and had just come around, literally the same day that I began to bleed with that pregnancy. I talked to Steve about possible baby names less than an hour before I discovered that I was bleeding and everything started to fall apart. It was like a slap in the face, and, to me, a warning...do not get excited, do not get attached, this could all end at any moment.
You're stuck in a place where you want to feel all those exciting feelings, but you are terrified to.
When I got the positive pregnancy test after both my losses, I told myself that once we determined it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, I would be able to get excited. We learned that the pregnancy was not ectopic, but the excitement didn't come. Instead I felt that, once we had the 12 week screening done, I would be ok and able to get over the intense fear and anxiety I was having. That didn't happen. I told myself, once I hear the baby's heart beat, that's when it will all click for me and I will be happy. When that didn't work, it was once I could feel the baby move, but still the fear and anxiety held on. I felt like there was nothing that I could do, but work on getting through the pregnancy mentally and emotionally intact, and hopefully with a living baby.
I felt like I was stuck in limbo, unable to move forward and unwilling to go back. I remember being at a meeting for people that had suffered a loss, the topic was pregnancy after a loss. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant during the meeting, it didn't fee right to me, to be surrounded by these women who had just lost a baby, talking about being pregnant. I listened to the people who had had children after their loss. One woman spoke about how she embraced every bit of pregnancy, if it was going to end badly, she wanted to enjoy the time she had with that baby. I wished I could be like that, I tried with everything in me to see things with that outlook, but I couldn't. I was too afraid. If this pregnancy didn't go well, and I had allowed myself to get attached, I would be shattered...again...how could I live through it all again? How could I tell Dayne that his sibling wasn't coming home, again? How could I look Steve in the face knowing that my body had failed us for a third time?
No. I couldn't let myself fall in love, I couldn't get excited about all those little things that normal moms were excited about in pregnancy. I couldn't worry about the little things or plan for the future until I knew what the future would bring.
When I was pregnant with Alexandra, I would sit in her room and go through her clothes, I would look at them and imagine how fun it would be to dress her up. I would sit in her room and plan her future, think about how I was going to do things and imagine how she would be, what she would look like, what kinds of things she would like.
When I was pregnant with my next pregnancy, the ectopic pregnancy, I planned for my health. I told Steve I would still walk Dayne to school every day, I would stay active, I would eat healthy foods and I would stay fit. I thought that was the best idea, keep my body healthy and I'll keep my baby healthy.
This pregnancy wouldn't be like that, I stayed active and ate healthy foods, but I didn't talk about it, I didn't mention to anyone that it was a "plan" I lived my life exactly as I had before I was pregnant, working, taking care of Dayne, walking the dog, living my life, but not admitting to myself, or anyone, that I was planning for a baby. I didn't go into the baby's room until well after I had with Alexandra, and when I did, I got everything done that needed to be done and then I left and didn't go back in. There was no sitting and dreaming, I didn't dare imagine how the future would be or imagine what my baby would be like. I didn't dare jinx myself like that.
It's funny how you can be in such deep denial, but still form such a close bond to a baby that you are desperate to meet...
After we lost Alexandra, I experienced a subsequent loss. It was very early, an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in the loss of that tube. It was devastating to go through that after getting excited that I may be having another living child. I was leery at first, and had just come around, literally the same day that I began to bleed with that pregnancy. I talked to Steve about possible baby names less than an hour before I discovered that I was bleeding and everything started to fall apart. It was like a slap in the face, and, to me, a warning...do not get excited, do not get attached, this could all end at any moment.
You're stuck in a place where you want to feel all those exciting feelings, but you are terrified to.
When I got the positive pregnancy test after both my losses, I told myself that once we determined it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, I would be able to get excited. We learned that the pregnancy was not ectopic, but the excitement didn't come. Instead I felt that, once we had the 12 week screening done, I would be ok and able to get over the intense fear and anxiety I was having. That didn't happen. I told myself, once I hear the baby's heart beat, that's when it will all click for me and I will be happy. When that didn't work, it was once I could feel the baby move, but still the fear and anxiety held on. I felt like there was nothing that I could do, but work on getting through the pregnancy mentally and emotionally intact, and hopefully with a living baby.
I felt like I was stuck in limbo, unable to move forward and unwilling to go back. I remember being at a meeting for people that had suffered a loss, the topic was pregnancy after a loss. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant during the meeting, it didn't fee right to me, to be surrounded by these women who had just lost a baby, talking about being pregnant. I listened to the people who had had children after their loss. One woman spoke about how she embraced every bit of pregnancy, if it was going to end badly, she wanted to enjoy the time she had with that baby. I wished I could be like that, I tried with everything in me to see things with that outlook, but I couldn't. I was too afraid. If this pregnancy didn't go well, and I had allowed myself to get attached, I would be shattered...again...how could I live through it all again? How could I tell Dayne that his sibling wasn't coming home, again? How could I look Steve in the face knowing that my body had failed us for a third time?
No. I couldn't let myself fall in love, I couldn't get excited about all those little things that normal moms were excited about in pregnancy. I couldn't worry about the little things or plan for the future until I knew what the future would bring.
When I was pregnant with Alexandra, I would sit in her room and go through her clothes, I would look at them and imagine how fun it would be to dress her up. I would sit in her room and plan her future, think about how I was going to do things and imagine how she would be, what she would look like, what kinds of things she would like.
When I was pregnant with my next pregnancy, the ectopic pregnancy, I planned for my health. I told Steve I would still walk Dayne to school every day, I would stay active, I would eat healthy foods and I would stay fit. I thought that was the best idea, keep my body healthy and I'll keep my baby healthy.
This pregnancy wouldn't be like that, I stayed active and ate healthy foods, but I didn't talk about it, I didn't mention to anyone that it was a "plan" I lived my life exactly as I had before I was pregnant, working, taking care of Dayne, walking the dog, living my life, but not admitting to myself, or anyone, that I was planning for a baby. I didn't go into the baby's room until well after I had with Alexandra, and when I did, I got everything done that needed to be done and then I left and didn't go back in. There was no sitting and dreaming, I didn't dare imagine how the future would be or imagine what my baby would be like. I didn't dare jinx myself like that.
It's funny how you can be in such deep denial, but still form such a close bond to a baby that you are desperate to meet...
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