Victoria was so small, she was tiny and fragile and I was afraid of everything involving her. I was afraid to give her a bath, afraid that I might drop her, afraid that I would hurt her somehow. Everything she did scared me, she made weird noises while she slept, I was sure she was having breathing problems, or seizures.
In those first few weeks she wasn't growing how they wanted her to, I was terrified that I had already failed at breastfeeding and she would have to have formula. I don't have an issue with formula, but this felt like a personal failure on my part. Her lack of proper growth also made me fear that something more serious could be wrong with her. I Dr. Googled until I had planted all sorts of crazy ideas in my head.
At night sometimes I would wake up and look at her, waiting for her to wake up (I wasn't prepared for a good sleeper), and I would think that her face looked pale, or grey, she resembled Alexandra and in my sleep deprived state, I would think that she looked like Alexandra in more than just familial resemblance.
When her growth got on track we had another incident. She was in the bath and began to cry so I took her out and laid her in her bedroom so I could dress her. She screamed as I frantically searched for something for her to wear and dried her off. As I was toweling her dry I noticed that she seemed a bit...blue, around her diaper area. I thought the light was weird and I was seeing things. Then her torso turned blue and I scooped her up and rushed her in to see Steve. "Is she blue!?" I asked him. He squinted, complained about the light and then said, "maybe a little bit." My son replied that she was indeed blue. I dressed her, wrapped in two receiving blankets and put a hat and mitts on her. I held her close to me to warm her up. She was back to normal after a few minutes, and I knew that she had done that because she was a newborn and she couldn't regulate her body temperature, but still, I sat up at night while I fed her, googling. I did this for 3 days before I brought her to the doctor to have him tell me exactly what I already knew. She was fine, that heart condition I had convinced myself she must have was all in my head, she was just fine.
I had lots of scary thoughts, I thought I might somehow drop her down the stairs, thought I would slip on the ice and drop her, would fall asleep with her and suffocate her. I thought that something would be wrong and I would miss it somehow and then when the inevitable horrible thing happened, it would be all my fault.
Most of the time I felt like I was doing quite well, I was so grateful for my little girl, so happy to have her, but those scary thoughts, they loved to creep in. They still do sometimes. I wonder if they will ever go away? I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I stop knowing and thinking about, how fragile life is...
In those first few weeks she wasn't growing how they wanted her to, I was terrified that I had already failed at breastfeeding and she would have to have formula. I don't have an issue with formula, but this felt like a personal failure on my part. Her lack of proper growth also made me fear that something more serious could be wrong with her. I Dr. Googled until I had planted all sorts of crazy ideas in my head.
At night sometimes I would wake up and look at her, waiting for her to wake up (I wasn't prepared for a good sleeper), and I would think that her face looked pale, or grey, she resembled Alexandra and in my sleep deprived state, I would think that she looked like Alexandra in more than just familial resemblance.
When her growth got on track we had another incident. She was in the bath and began to cry so I took her out and laid her in her bedroom so I could dress her. She screamed as I frantically searched for something for her to wear and dried her off. As I was toweling her dry I noticed that she seemed a bit...blue, around her diaper area. I thought the light was weird and I was seeing things. Then her torso turned blue and I scooped her up and rushed her in to see Steve. "Is she blue!?" I asked him. He squinted, complained about the light and then said, "maybe a little bit." My son replied that she was indeed blue. I dressed her, wrapped in two receiving blankets and put a hat and mitts on her. I held her close to me to warm her up. She was back to normal after a few minutes, and I knew that she had done that because she was a newborn and she couldn't regulate her body temperature, but still, I sat up at night while I fed her, googling. I did this for 3 days before I brought her to the doctor to have him tell me exactly what I already knew. She was fine, that heart condition I had convinced myself she must have was all in my head, she was just fine.
I had lots of scary thoughts, I thought I might somehow drop her down the stairs, thought I would slip on the ice and drop her, would fall asleep with her and suffocate her. I thought that something would be wrong and I would miss it somehow and then when the inevitable horrible thing happened, it would be all my fault.
Most of the time I felt like I was doing quite well, I was so grateful for my little girl, so happy to have her, but those scary thoughts, they loved to creep in. They still do sometimes. I wonder if they will ever go away? I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I stop knowing and thinking about, how fragile life is...
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